Looking forward to your golden years, but afraid you’ll never be able to afford it? Our state-of-the-art facility offers elderly corporate drones the comfort of a living space with the same lack of character as an office cubicle. Be surrounded by like-minded residents like yourself, who will be working on their laptops to pay off their bills until the day they die. We did everything we could to re-create the best of the environment you spent seventy years toiling away in with the following ameni...

Hey you, sitting in the dark. It’s me, the string lights dangling over an Indian-inspired tapestry. You know, the one you saw Instagrammed by that blonde influencer you follow who uses me as the highlight of her decor? What I’m about to say might come as a bit of a shocker — having string lights in your room does not mean, in the slightest, that you have your life together. Hear me out: I was purchased for $7.99 at Target. My original purpose was to make a 50-year-old dorm room not look like a p...

Hey there, Kinzleigh. Take a seat by my desk, crisscross applesauce. As you may know, this year’s Take Your Child to Work Day coincides with our annual performance review period. We felt it would be right for all employees to be reviewed, no matter how long they’ve been with us or how many teeth they have lost. Unfortunately, Kinzleigh, after speaking to your manager, a.k.a. “Daddy,” we will need to put you on a PIP, or performance improvement plan. To begin with, you haven’t joined any of your...

How dare you. How dare you waltz into this coffee shop like you own the place, sit down at a table with prime, special access to an outlet, and not even use said outlet. It’s disgusting, it’s despicable, and it makes me sick.I bet you’d be happy to know that that’s my usual table, and that’s my usual outlet. Every day I sit in the seat you’re sitting in, bend down, and plug my charger into MY outlet. And I would’ve had that table, that seat, and that outlet, but someone else had already laid cla...

8:02am: Homeroom. I crack every single one of my knuckles to get them ready for battle today. Having good handwriting is hard work, but someone’s gotta do it.8:21am: Math class. I pass a handwritten note to my best friend Alyssa asking if she has a crush on Matthew, yes or no. The swoop of the y in “yes” is perfectly loopy without trying too hard that I wish I had more to ask her.8:25am: Mr. Sanders asks for volunteers to complete math problems on the board. My hand shoots up. I’ll never give up...

Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago, and always smells like sunblock (hopefully complimentary). You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.Read more from Emily on The Belladonna: Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago, and always smells like sunblock (hopefully complimentary). You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com. Read more from Emily on The Belladonna:

Last week, upon our reveal of the U.S women’s track and field uniforms, we received some concerning feedback. Several female athletes have complained about the uniform’s coverage and lack of comfort. Well, ladies, you asked, and we listened. Team USA and Nike are overjoyed to unveil the new and improved women’s track and field uniforms: absolutely nothing!You’ll be running completely naked.The moment we discovered that female athletes were unhappy with the uniform, we did what anyone would. We m...